OK, so I lied.
I've been running around doing random shit and still had time to do two posts in one day. That's sad.
But I was exercising my superhero ability to recall critical life moments in detail and up came this memory.
Gotta write it down.
The sex blogging can wait.
---
Back in college.
The was a floor party going on in our dorm.
Well, it wasn't a floor party, actually, since liquor was illegal for everyone under 21 to drink.
So, really, it was a bunch of different people on the floor who had all somehow bought booze they shouldn't have. Officially, nothing at all was happening. We just kinda went from room to room and drank whatever they had there.
There was this one guy I didn't talk with a whole lot – we were just in different circles. But he was cool and we always said hi. Well, during this non-party, somehow I looped into his circle. We hung out for a bit, drinking and talking about stuff and nothing.
Now, at this time, I was still in recovery from my last unreturned love, and was about to embark on the most draining one-way romance of them all.
But not yet.
In that context, I liked him, but I was keeping a tight clamp on my emotions.
He suddenly had an idea to head off to his room for something I can't remember.
But what happened then I do remember clearly.
---
He sat there on his bed and I was poking on the cage of a lizard that belonged to him or his roommate.
He didn't want to go back out just yet.
"So what do you want to do?" I asked.
"I don't know if I want to do anything."
"OK, then what would you like to do?"
He got quiet and looked down.
Then:
"I think I'd like to kiss you."
---
Time Pause:
No one had ever said that to me before.
I'd kissed in – other settings – but never in the traditional setting, never with a schoolmate.
My heart beat a single, drawn-out pulse.
A connection. An honest-to-god connection here in this very dorm.
At the least, I'll have someone to share being gay with.
At the most… who knows.
:Time Resume
---
There was no deliberating in my head. Impulse took over – I didn't wait 20 years for this moment to sit and ponder the issue. He wants to kiss, and now I want to kiss him. Let's do it.
He was sitting on the edge of his bed, palms behind him, propping him up.
I came closer, and bent down slowly, bringing my face close to his.
He was staring up at me.
My love-like emotions, until now chained up in the dungeon, were suddenly freed and happily tossed into the sunlight to run free again.
I felt a mild swell of happiness.
Our heads almost together, I tilted to bring my lips, barely parted, to not even an inch from his.
His eyes closed, then mine.
In the movie, there would be sparks.
---
Then his eyes snap open: "whoa whoa whoa whoa! No no!" and he gently pushed me away.
My happy, care-free, prancing, passions were summarily shot with tranquilizer darts and dragged back into the dungeon depths.
All emotional systems shut down.
Sleath Mode engaged.
We were silent running.
I straightened up, walked back over to the caged reptile and started poking at the walls again. "He doesn't move much, does he?" I asked.
"Sometimes I think he's dead."
"Hmm. Wanna go get a drink?"
"OK"
---
And that was that.
We never spoke of it again. Never.
Every time we would pass each other, we'd still always say hi, sometimes we'd even chat about something.
But we never mentioned that moment.
What the hell had happened?
He could have been straight and yanking my chain, trying to prove I was gay. I never heard a peep from anyone, though, so I'm guessing he never talked about it.
Maybe he was serious but I was too bold. The room door was still open, you know.
Maybe he was real confused.
And of course, maybe he suddenly didn't like me.
I'll never know. I didn't want to know.
Because this had been the possibility of a bond – unprovoked - that was thrust at me and then just as quickly taken away. This made it certain that I was not going to expose myself to pain again by even trying to figure it out.
It was done.
In the years since, this memory returns to me on occasion. And, unlike then, I do try to understand that event.
I wonder how he's doing right now.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
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12 comments:
I...
I think I should think about what I want to say, or rather, how to say it, some more before I try, actually.
Isn't that my job as the author? Thinking about what I write?
When commenting, I think it's usually just a free-for-all.
Spew away!
My guess is he is still remembering it also - especially when his legs are up in the air and he is taking it up the ass...
but just my thoughts... HEY - you said to spew away!
Atari,
Your stories of one-sided love are so tramatic. Funny thing though, I admire you for that. You have the bravery to stand up for what you want and play it thru, and in some cases feel pain afterwards. I do not possess such an ability and I usually suffer a different pain of NOT knowing what might have been.
As crazy as it sounds, I am kind of jealous of that ability. Even though it is a hurt, I feel jealous that you had the opportunity to live thru similar events that have been presented to me in my life. Rather than shun away and regret it afterwards. I know that this comment probably does not make sense, but I can't express in the right words what I am feeling right now.
maybe you should have popped a mint before you went in for that kiss. sometimes I catch whiff of my own breath after some heavy drinking and am like WHOOOAAA NELLIE! Like something crawled into my mouth and died.
(Sorry, I can't handle posts that are even semi-serious. You'd hate me in real life)
That is such a sad story :( I wish he had kissed you.
Spider: Haha! Doubt it. But ya never know.
Jeff: I think I understand exactly what you’re saying. I had plenty of experiences before this series where I never tried to find out the answer. The one from high school – I briefly mentioned him - that was almost three years of hell, never knowing if anything was possible, never asking, never telling, never having any rest. It was so awful that, afterwards, when similar things happened, I knew I had to know the answer. As harsh as the rejection phase was, the torment of just not knowing was too much.
CB: Jesus! You sure know how to break a mood. ;)
Do you fart loudly at funerals? Jack off at brisses? Take a laughing dump in autopsy rooms?
You crack me up! I don't think I'd hate you. I’d probably just stare at you in shock, and then chuckle.
Contrary to some posts, I generally like laughing when I'm being social.
Yes, I thought about the breath! I at least had beer breath, so… Though so did he, I’m sure.
Phillip: Me too.
No, I just can't handle anything serious. It's a defense mechanism. You should see me when someone dies. You know how hard it is to think of something funny to say when someone has just died?
Anyway, happy holidays. I'm out until the 27th or so.
We're all kinda tragic when we're young & trying to figure out what we want from life. This story is kinda like the one about the first guy I ever messed around with. A good friend, we traveled around the country on a road trip...a night that the van broke down & we were "stuck" in a motel. Horseplay and tickling led to... and then the next morning we didn't talk about it again--he even went over the top the next evening by saying how he was really into some girl we both knew. We didn't mention the incident again until 10 years later, when he called me out of the blue to say "Hi, I'm living in NYC, I'm gay, and I'm sorry for acting like a dick after we messed around."
It's funny how much closure that phone call gave me.
sometimes i think that the great equalizer looks down on tortured young gay men, decides they're not quite miserable enough, and throws something like the incident you've described in their path just to keep life interesting...
Joseph: Ouch. That would have confused the heck out of me. I mean, once you have sex, you can't suddenly say, "we never had sex, I am not gay"... can you? I guess you can. I'll bet that must have resolved so much for you after the phone call.
mkf: I try not to think of it that way. I think of it as a humbling. But, yeah, it does seem sadistic.
Hey, I just discovered your blog and wanted to say hi. Thanks for the great read! :)
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