And yet it’s so fucking different than I would have expected.
I am really sad, but not devastated.
We are now not even a “couple” in name, he has long held no interest in me sexually, and he has become emotionally attached to another - but he doesn’t want me to leave. Not yet, anyway.
Also, we have things in our lives, unless I completely abandon them, which ensure we will still interact. The part of me that just wants to find a new job somewhere else, move to a new city, start over again - all that is restrained and can not happen. But running off is a shitty response from me, anyway.
I am very conflicted right now.I still feel like I could go out and have a good time with other people and laugh and get wasted.
And, technically, I’m “available”.
But I don’t feel that way.
Right this moment, anyway…
I don’t feel hopeless…
But I do feel alone.
I'm thinking that will pass.
BUT... I'll say again, having the words of support from you folks has helped me alot. I am so grateful to you all.
And, hey! I'm promising my next post will be happy - for real!
17 comments:
In a way this ia happy post, or at least not as painful as it might have been. It sounds more like an evolution going on than a traumatic break. Still, it's never easy and I'm sending warm thoughts and hopes that you come out of this OK and able to make a fresh start. Hugs and all my best.
I'm sad for you, knowing how isolated you feel, and happy you know that there are quite a few of us who have your back. As others have said before me, you deserve great things... and I'm sure you'll nab them. Keep the chin up and look straight ahead... I'm sure you'll bounce back in no time. In fact, I can tell you're already on your way.
I don't know a lot about your situation, but it certainly sounds difficult.
I have never broken up after being in a relationship that was as long-term as yours, but I know that whenever I did break up with someone, I had to get as far away from that person as possible. At least until I was feeling more independent again. I think living together and interacting all the time would be very tough.
My best wishes are with you. I hope everything works out smoothly and for the best.
~hug~
Hang in there. Big hugs coming your way...
Post happy when YOU feel like it. Big hugs and lots of positive energy coming your way - be sure and take care of yourself...
Atari,
I am so sorry. However all things good and bad have a silver lining. Once things are said and gone, and life moves on, you will see that silver lining.
Take-care
Jeff
You know, whatever you post it is fine. Post what you feel so we know how to help you. Though it seems like the end it is actually the beginning. I difinitely changes my direction for the interview.
sorry buddy, I know what you are going thru.
*hug*
Hey Atari, you have some questions to answer over at my blog. A couple MAY be too close to home for you so if you want to beg off on those i would understand.
You'll be OK when the storm passed. I know it hurts like shit. It will... I know you knew this was coming, and there's a lot of ramifications you're not talking about publicly.
But you are one hell of a guy. It's so obvious -- on here, and in person. You're fucking good looking, and have a heart, mind and soul that people really are in awe of.
Let it hurt. Don't hold it back. Don't feel like you need to do anything for anyone out here (like "happy posts"). Do what you want: Talk about it, don't talk about it, be alone, be with people, be with lots of people.
Self-medication is not permitted, because it just does't work really. It just covers everything up for a while, and then it comes roaring back and you end up kicking yourself for being such a stupid lush for so long.
Burying it is not permitted either, for the same reasons.
You know, if you want to get outta Beantown, there's plenty of space in The Nation's Capitol for a night, a weekend, a week, a month. Or, dare we hope, a permanent move.
As I've told you ... I'm here if you need me.
Hang in there Atari. You are much stronger than you think you are.
Take some time to recoop and put things behind you.
And (such as we can be) we are behind you. :)
~hug~
It's just another one of those 'pop quizzes' in life. Take it easy. You'll do just fine.
You're in my thoughts.
You were in my dreams the other night too. Which is strange since we have never met, but there you were.
hey atari--long time, no comment. jeez, you've been a busy boy these last couple weeks.
here's a view from the outside, for what it's worth: the day you posted your first blog entry, you set in motion a chain of events that i figured was gonna play out one of two ways: either (1) exposing the inner atari to the rest of the world (and to yourself) would prove to be so unnerving and scary that you'd shut down again and retreat to the safety of your lover/stranger relationship; or (2) the relief and exhilaration you experienced at the realization that lots of worthwhile folks find the "real" you not only likable but downright adorable would serve as the kick in the ass you needed to demand that same level of quality in your personal/romantic life. i, for one, am glad it fell the way it did--it was time, and something within you knew it was time (that's why you did all this, of course). what surprised me, frankly, was how quickly it all happened.
i know you're hurting right now, but hey--growth is painful. i also know that on some level it's hard accepting all the validation you've received here in these last few months, since deep down you have a hard time believing anything that's so at odds with the way you've always seen yourself, but i hope that that's changing as fast as everything else. anyway, i wish you the best, bud--move through this and keep the process going, hear?
I am catching up on your history and it is breaking my heart.
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