The Missing Connection

OK.

I have to explain this, because all of this “why is he even still talking to him?” stuff has been eating at me. I had long ago decided never to reveal (1) people’s real names - unless they are already public and it's not for hurtful reasons - and (2) this particular situation I'm about to tell you about.

But now I don’t think #2 will matter anymore, since I am no longer really “connected” with it.

This is why there might still be an interaction between “John” and I.

There’s a child involved.

That’s the “little critter” I was referring to here.

The kid’s father had a lot of drug problems and so John took custody when he was around 3 (he’s 9 now).

That was a difficult period for me. I had recently forced a few issues from our relationship (all about this whole period) into the open and things were seeming to improve.

Then when this whole thing with a child began… well, there was me thinking “Oh My God, a child? I didn’t sign up for this.” And I kept my distance for a few weeks.

But – as with so many of the other wrenching things that happened over these years – I stayed. I know – I know – an average guy would have run for the hills. Now I wonder if I should have, too.

It was very difficult. John was the one who raised him. I helped in what ways I could.

But our bonds grew.

He had a lot of emotional problems. But maybe nothing too out of the ordinary, looking back on it.

He was taken away from his parents, who then separated. He went back and forth to his father as we all hoped he could kick the drug habit. Then, a few years back, the kid's grandmother died. A month later, one of our roommates, who the kid knew most of his life, died. A month later the kid's father died of an overdose. Then his mother essentially moved away (recently, she is back and sees him once or twice a month). He lost alot of people over the years.

And for all intents and purposes, he was our kid.

And now he is a wonderful, way too energetic, loving, affectionate and happy kid. He and I play PS2 and Gamecube (both of which I bought for him along with almost all the games). We like a lot of the same cartoons now (most of the DVDs I also bought).

We have a connection as if I were his other parent (the less mean one). Even when he is a royal pain, I love him very much, and can’t bare the thought of him being hurt.

John and I had a discussion early last year where I confirmed to him that, should John die, I would never forgive myself if he were put into foster care.

He said he would put in his will that I should be the next guardian. I don’t know if he ever did, though.

I don’t want to abandon him – to be another person to disappear from his life.

I thought I could somehow make this work, where I would never see or hear John ever again but still see the kid, maybe every other weekend.

But already, I can see this will be incredibly hard to do.

Already, he’s telling me about the ps2 games that “Bobby” (the new bf that started the whole breakup) bought for him. And Bobby did this and Bobby did that. And now, it seems, Bobby is over a lot.

And now, the thought of seeing the kid at all – it just makes me feel that dagger the John put into my chest being twisted.

And it makes me think: I can’t do this.

If John had had the balls to say – long before getting his new beau – that things weren’t working, maybe we should split up, then things would be very different.

It would still hurt.

But I wouldn’t feel like I’d been stabbed, abused, tossed into the gutter and humiliated.

And I could see coming by and picking the kid up and going to a movie, playing games, going to the toy store, whatever.

But now, this way… now I feel like I can’t do it. The pain and anger it brings up is still too deep.

And this brings me a lot of pain because I don’t want him being hurt by something that he doesn’t even understand.

And I am so pissed at John for putting me in this position.

So… all this vacillating you are seeing. The things making you say, “Why won’t he just move on and forget about the jerk?” This is a lot of what’s behind it.

A clean break is the only real way for me to drop my bad feelings.
Even then, I will never really forgive John for how he handled this. But I least I could simply forget about the decade I wasted on him.

But a clean break means, really, losing a child I never expected to have in my life.

And that, after all the other sadness has already passed, is the most devastating result of this fiasco.

I still don’t know what I am going to do yet.