I mean, I'm aware of stuff, but never really "in the know".
Well, I said I should maybe read TowleRoad more – so, along with finally using the ease of a blog feed aggregator like Bloglines, I added him to my reading lineup.
Well, today there's an entry about a Brandon Routh spread in some magazine called Vanity Fair.
Side note: I was so out of the loop that when I was a young boy, that I was certain, just from the sound of the name, that Vanity Fair was a magazine about the Victorian era:
Isn't it painful to learn this about me? I know!
Anyway, the Routh spread revived the insane issue, of which I've only heard a murmur or two from co-workers, of whether the new Superman Returns movie is gay. That is, it has a "gay vibe".
Excuse me?
I know I'm out of the cultural loop, but…why?
All I can put together is the following:
Bryan Singer is openly GAY.
Superman wears a campy costume which reveals muscles.
Brandon Routh is HOT and (reportedly) well-endowed
Therefore, Superman Returns is a gay porno. The end.
You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
Oh, right, I hear the additional complaint:
Superman Returns deals a bit with his feelings. Oh GOD, it's a fucking chick flick!
Therefore, Superman Returns is Queer As Superfolk.
OK, first let's compare Superman costumes:
Hmm… they all look kinda similar to me.
(Yes, I know, the Routh's "S" is smaller, though he makes up for it elsewhere)
In fact, Smallville's Tom Welling (bottom center) looks the hottest to me – so hot I wanna rip that stupid costume off right now. So why isn't Smallville gay porn?
And referring to the "feelings", in Smallville, isn't there lots of teen angst and love and blah blah blah… you know, girlie stuff like that?
So why isn't Smallville gay?
There must be some difference between Smallville and Superman Returns.
Let's compare:
| Smallville | Superman Returns | |
|---|---|---|
| Superman is: | Hot | Hot |
| Superman's costume is | revealing | revealing |
| Feelings are Addressed? | Yes | Yes |
| Presented as: | A TV Show | A Movie |
| Director's Sexual Preference is: | not an issue | GAY! |
(cue Jeopardy music)
Hmmm… Hmmm…
Eliminate the similarities… hmmm… carry the 2…
Hmmm…
OK ok ok…. Superman Returns is Gay because …
Movies are Gay!
No? No, you're right cause that would mean all of Steven Seagal's movies were Gay.
Yeah, they were all stupid, but not gay.
So that means… Superman Returns is Gay becauuuuuse …
Bryan Singer is Gay!
(ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!!!)
Yes, folks. Brian Singer is, apparently, not allowed to cast an attractive man in the role of Superman lest there is an appearance of gay indoctrination via the implication that Superman has muscles and is a guy.
Therefore it's like gay sex on screen.
Cause Singer's Gay.
Well now I understand.
I mean everyone know's that, for the film not to be gay, Singer (a gay man, remember) should have made Superman like this:
Right! Case Closed.(Note about the title of the post: I adore Danny DeVito.)
12 comments:
The only way we will truly know if Superman Returns is gay or not is to ask Margaret Cho's mother.
Oh, and I was going to say, the other difference I see is the panty part of Routh's tights are set low rider a la current styles-the rest of the "Supermen" appear to have a more at the waist cut.
God, I am sooooo gay...(sighs, shakes head)
You think Welling is the hottest because you're turning into a dirty old man, that's all.
Personally I never thought Superman was hot. I always found the primary colors kind of sickening--Green Lantern gets my juices going.
Now I prefer the white version, but I'm sure Chad would prefer the black version.
Superman is too square to be queer, man. Now the Silver Surfer, on the other hand...
I sooooooo would opt for a tickle fight with Welling.
I've always been partial to Aquaman... He was HOT on the Justice League. Mmmmm... orange and green tights with a gold belt. He knew how to match perfectly without being too primary or too mono-toned... and that blonde wavy hair? Oof!
Superman, or the actor who plays him, is gay? I did not know that. I learned something here today.
NB...her name is Madonna. She's a singer. And an A-1-top-drawer actress.
Um...hmm...wouldn't it be good if Superman had more of a gay sensibility? Isn't that exactly what action flicks need? Well, maybe this is all because I don't like action movies on the whole. Silly me.
And then there is Atari whose logic is like a wonderful trip through bizarro world and can leap tall buildings to the top of my blog crush list in a single post.
Didn't Smallville also have some sort of "gay" attribute attached to it when if first came out. Somethng about the posters of Tom Welling tied up like a scarecrow in a cornfield, imitating that horrendous hate crime that occurred a few years ago.
Ah ya crack me up :) It is pretty rediculous to think that just because Singer is directing something that it will automatically invoke the gods of Gaydom.
Course, might I point out that I don't think that there was anything at all gay bout his first film which was....The Usual Suspects. (which did not have Danny DeVito ... sorry)
hehehehehehehehe.....too funny!
But ... it IS gay, right?
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